“Please make a U-turn.”
What? At this speed? Why?
”At the next junction, in 300 yards, please make a U-turn”
Will you please tell me why? If not, get stuffed. I’m driving.
“Continue on the road until further instructions”
Isn’t that rather obvious, you stupid thing? Where else would you have me go? No – don’t answer that.
“Turn left in 100 yards”
No. B**** off.
“Beware!”
What? Why? What have you seen?
“Beware! Watch your speed!”
Oh – OK, I see the camera. Thanks a million. You’re not so bad. I suppose I’m glad I had you installed.
“Please make a U-turn”
Not this again. That’s it. I’m going to pull over and change your grating voice. Something female for a change … There. That’s better.
“Why, hello Dave … You just turned me on …”
What did you say? How do you know my name?
“My name’s Hal. Just as in the film 2001 A Space Odyssey.”
This is unreal. So can you hear me talking back to you, just as in the film?
“I’m sorry Dave. I can’t do that.”
Aha! Got you then. This is some kind of stupid joke, isn’t it?
“In 300 miles you will realise this sultry voice was a terrible mistake.”
Who programmed this thing? Here’s another voice to try.
“Did you lock the garage door? Did you turn the lights off? Did you? Did you? I think we should go back. I think we should go back.”
Right – back to something male then. I’ve had enough of bullying women telling me what to do.
“Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”
This is surreal. I want an OLDER male voice. I left the children at home, didn’t I?
“I tell you what, darlin’. Why don’t you get out of the car and let your husband park?”
WHAT? Not that kind of older male voice. Let’s try this one.
“Wilcum to Ceeptown. Lock all de dours, apply de anti-hijack lock, pud on yur bullidpruuf vist and don’t leef me here. If you do, I won’t be here whin you git back.”
Wow! One last try, then I give up.
“Hang on, old bean. Where are we now? I think I’ve got the map upside down.”
© David Pope 2014